when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
