I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
