I heard we made out
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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