you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
