I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
