that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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