I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
A bitchslap is in order.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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