Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
