I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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