If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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