Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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