I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
