dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
