The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
