Yo dont text me then not text me
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
