a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
