1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
