When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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