so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
