3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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