They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
