I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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