Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
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a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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