I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
