We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
