i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
