I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
