I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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