whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
