I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
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ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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