My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
