I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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