You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
