so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
