I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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