don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
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I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can you bring me the toilet please
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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