just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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