I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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