i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
