i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
