we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
