So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
