the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
