Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
