I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
