I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
