Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
