Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
