shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
