the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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