if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
