Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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