porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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