Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
