i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Plan B is the new Plan A
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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