I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
