the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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